Broadjam Artist: Carter
Song: Little Miss T
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Tirk Wilder (Songwriter, Performer)
Pro General Comments: First, Carter, please accept my apology for being late with this review. There seems to be a glitch with Broadjam where I don't get notified until I'm thirty days past time. Weird, but true.Your song has a nice groove. You can probably sell this from your website fairly well. If that's happening for you, you really don't need my input.You have its genre listed as classic rock. I'm thinking it's more in the realm of country. If you are looking for publishing with an eye to radio airplay, there are a lot of suggestions I could give you.They pretty much insist that the song be written to the title. What I mean by that is that "Little Miss T" should be the surprise payoff in the song. The listener should hear all you say and wonder "What is this leading to?", and the answer should be "Little Miss T".I always tell my writing students "Less is MORE". I would go through each line and remove every word, even every syllable that doesn't move the narrative along.An example is the first line. The word "perfectly" is superfluous. The line would be improved if it said "I'm acting normal when she walks into the room." The second line would have action added if you said something like, "That gets blown away when my heart goes boom."The next two lines that you have are what I call "throwaway" lines". ("Is it any wonder there's little hope for me. Look out here comes trouble, she makes a fool of me".)I would throw them out entirely and replace them with something descriptive about the girl walking into the room. Give me an image of what she looks like, how she walks, something that tells me she could be trouble without using that word ("trouble"), which it's wise to save until the chorus.In the chorus you have FOUR lines with the "eee" rhyme at the end. I would reconsider that, maybe giving your listener something a little less repetitive. "She really gets to me" is a cliche that's pretty weak anyway.Here's a suggestion which you can use for free if you want:"Here comes trouble, She could mess up my life,Here comes trouble, She could be my next ex-wife,Got me going round in circles, sting me like a honey beeHere comes trouble, I call her Little Miss T".In Verse 2, you suddenly change scenes without explaining anything else about the room she walked into and have her in new place that's not really believable. How many times are you going to meet someone someplace and then have them pulling up next to you at a traffic light and asking you to a picnic under a cherry tree? Could happen, but I doubt seriously that the casual listener is going to buy into it.I would strongly suggest you rewrite that. Answer one of these two questions: "What happened next?" or "What else happened?", but have them still be in the room (the bar, I presume) where you first encounter her. And I wouldn't have the line "Look out here comes trouble, she makes a fool of me" anywhere in the verses. That's what you're saying in the chorus, and if you put it into the verses, you are stealing the power from the chorus.Your bridge is good. It works. It pretty much, in two lines, sums up the whole meaning of the song.(Continued in "Approved Quote" section)
Quote From Pro: (Continued from "General Comments")But the third verse has the same problem as the second verse had. It brings up a whole new scene which makes no sense to the listener. And, the thing of it is, a third verse is not even NECESSARY for this song. It doesn't have to be there at all. The form could easily be Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge-LAST CHORUS. That way, you are right in line with the song form that has been in the top 20 in 70-75% of the charts for the last 125 years. And, as an added benefit, you bring the song in at right about three minutes (instead of 3:48 as it is NOW), which is about all radio will give you these days.Your music is good...to a point. You might want to make the melody in your chorus stand out more from the verses. A big time producer once told me that he wasn't interested in a song unless the chorus "soared". What he meant was he wanted the melody of the chorus to be in a higher register than the verses. This makes it easy for the casual listener to recognize that he is coming into the part of the song where there will be a payoff.The link below (copy and paste) is a song with a very similar idea to yours. I include it so you can see how the hook has been treated in another version.This was a fairly big song for Travis Tritt about 10 years ago.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5Mwig3VqXgAt any rate, your work is GOOD, and you should keep at it. If you do, you will eventually write an undeniable hit, and your mailbox will overflow with cashable checks.APPROVED QUOTE:Carter has it going on! Don't overlook HIM!