Broadjam Artist: Dale Lawrence WOKEPOETS.COM
Song: UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Tom Worth (Songwriter, Producer, Pro Songwriting Coach)
Pro General Comments: This is a GREAT recording and vocal performance! Well done! Your lyrics are cool, informative, and poetic...also well done. There are however some story line, tense and structure issues that can somewhat easily be fixed to make this song even stronger commercially. Let's dive into them...Overall Tense:Your verses are in past tense but your chorus is in present tense. You need to be consistent with the tense or it doesn't make sense. I would make your verses present tense to match chorus. Ex: you never (not you'd never), I look (not I looked)Verse 1 - I like these lyrics but I don't think there's enough information in it to adequately set up chorus. It only talks about her and not your relationship or why you're in undiscovered country. I think this would work great as a 2nd verse - where the storyline is already established and then this verse gives deeper details. Here's an easy solution - just swap verse 2 for verse 1! Starting with what is currently the 2nd verse will totally set up chorus better. Lyrically I would change the "said we should only be friends" line to "MAYBE we should only be friends." If they're already broken up the delaying the end and rest of song doesn't really make sense.Also - structure wise you added a new section before 2nd chorus (cause it's fine...). If you only have 6 lines in first verse you can only have 6 lines in 2nd verse. So I'd either ditch these lines or do the same thing (add lines with same music and melody) in first chorus.Chorus - love it!2nd Chorus:I would keep this the same length as 1st chorus. Your bridge is pretty long so lets get to it sooner. The song is overall pretty long - it's best keep commercial songs under 4 min. Cutting down on length of this chorus will help thatBridge:Very nice overall! I would not use the word "dream" in 3rd line because you just used it in line 1. I don't thik the "you'd never let the day.." line adds anything - I'd go right into the 3rd verse after "and we're losing.."3rd Verse:Fyi for future songs, it's uncommon commercially to have a 3rd verse AND a bridge. But I think it works here. As I said before - make it present tense not past tense to match chorus.Last chorus - love it!Again great job on this song! I hope you can take my ideas and make this song not only better but more commercial -good luck!
Quote From Pro: This is a GREAT recording and vocal performance! Well done!
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