Broadjam Artist: Randall Mark
Song: Wonder Boy(KaytLynn)
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Tom Worth (Songwriter, Producer, Pro Songwriting Coach)
Pro General Comments: I'd pay more attention to my comments and not the ratings I just posted:A very enjoyable song to listen to! Kudos! A beautiful vocal over some catchy and playful melodies! This would be a great film/tv pitch. But I do have some suggestions to make it even better! Music:Overall music/production is great! The singer is wonderful and actually sounds a lot like a friend of mine - Mindy Gledhill. She's a singer out of Utah. I only have a couple suggestions recording wise. And if you simply wanted songwriting feedback and are aware of what I'm about to say...my apologies!-The acoustic guitar in intro is a little sloppy timing wise. I also think its tone could be smoother.- I think the male background vocals in chorus is a little loud. - I would have the 2nd chorus flow like the 3rd chorus does (not have a break after the first "heaven on mars.")-Singer needs to be tuned in a couple spots: "me" in 3rd line of 2nd chorus"But I'm" sounds funky at beginning of Verse 3Songwriting:GREAT songwriting. This song is fun and quirky...JUST what film/TV seems to love! Great melodies. Here are some lyric suggestions:Verse 1:I think your 1st two lines could be stronger. Your verses are pretty short. It's really just these 2 lines (I see 3rd and 4th line as a pre chorus). So use them to say more. I would not use so many "you's."Technically speaking the rhyme schemes in your verses don't match. In each verse you have internal rhymes which is great, but in the 1st and 3rd verse the last word of the first and second lines rhyme, whereas they do NOT in verse 2. You should be consistent with rhyme schemes. Personally I like your rhyme scheme in the 2nd verse. That being said I'd change the internal rhyme sound in the 1st or 2nd line of verse 1 and 3 to something other than a "you" rhyme. I think you have a wonderful play on words that you're not using to its potential. You wait until the 3rd pre chorus to use "wonder boy" as a noun. That's brilliant!! I'd do it sooner (every pre chorus). For example, 1st and 2nd pre: "And I wonder wonder and I wonder boyCould you be my wonder boy" or something similarChorus 1:"Break my heart into two" is a bit clich. I know this song is cute so you can probably get away with it...but if you can beat it I would.LOVE the heaven on mars lineVerse 2 and Chorus 2 are perfectVerse 3:I don't love "not even a few." You already said "not even a word" so saying "not even a few" seems redundant. Chorus 3:I LOVE how you went to 3rd person here. Brilliant! Just an idea (meaning it's fine as is but maybe this would improve it). Might be cool if last line of last chorus said:"I'll take heaven on earth or heaven on mars." Just a thought. This line may also work as a tag after you say your current last line as wellOutro:I'd have a little more space between end of chorus and outroI hope you find my suggestions helpful! Keep up the great work!
Quote From Pro: A very enjoyable song to listen to - kudos! A beautiful vocal over some catchy and playful melodies!
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