Broadjam Artist: Sergio Simone
Song: One More River to Cross
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Diana Williamson (Songwriter, Music Supervisor)
Pro General Comments: Please note I don't rate individual instrumentation since my expertise lies more in marketability, lyric, melody, and overall performance.I love murder ballads. Very solid song. It holds your interest. Hook stands out like it should. You have a good scope in your songwriting. The lyric is very solid. Melody works and arrangements enhance. Vocal tells the story well in a believable manner. So therefore what I say is just ways of making your song better- however you could possibly get it cut the way it is.Woman "spits on the evil man"- great visual. And so is "I called him out with the sun at my back ?He pushed his way through the door.?With a star on his chest and all dressed in black? He looked ready to fight this war." You really take the listener into your story with this type of description. Very good, you can just feel the darkness and struggle about to happen.Song has a good story- a western Count of Monte Cristo. In this day and age a woman would rarely stay with a devil for that long- so you might have wanted to put a little detail in there to add to it (for eg he says he'll get the man killed in jail if she leaves), etc.. My instinct says it sounds like a demo- not exactly something you would put in film and tv- but something worth pitching to an artist. I could also hear this song being really cool in a dark Americana vibe- this version has an almost friendly easy going feel. If you had some young buck with a twang in his voice beating his heart out with a darker edgy feel you could really make an impact of it. (banjos and steel guitar and female bg vocals) However that's not necessary but would be cool in a perfect world where we have unlimited $ for demos.Singer has a nice vocal timbre. Pronunciation sometimes gets lost which is very important in a story song so we can follow. I'd make that marshall "pay" the word pay kinda dissolves- when it should be yelled out with anger type of feel. Just something to watch out for.You got the hard stuff down- when your hook comes in- we want to sing along- good work.The guitar solo sounds a little easy going- which fits with the general mood but I was expecting something a little more blood thirsty- there is tons of blood, guts and vengeance going on here. Harmonica adds a great feel.Some bg vocals on the chorus- some cool female vocals might help build the hook up just a little more to help it over the top. Just to change up the dynamic a bit.You could have an outro which says something like-eg- the riverbed has a nice NEW field of daisies (subtley refer to the fact the lawman went missing- and they can live happily ever after) So your audience can rest with the knowledge it's a happily ever after.If you ever do re demo you may want to shorten intro and take out a few double choruses, maybe even the guitar solo to make song a bit shorter. Nowadays it seems songs really move along quickly when you are pitching. However as I said its very solid and worthy of pitching. An artist you want to cut that song should be able to hear how to make things a little snappier.You have a great feel for songwriting. Good luck and keep on writing!
Quote From Pro: Sergio you have solid songwriting instincts and good storytelling abilities. You bring the listener right into your story waiting for the climax.