Broadjam Artist: The Guinetones
Song: Die in Comfort
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Tirk Wilder (Songwriter, Performer)
Pro General Comments: Once again, excellent musicianship with a very nice feel. Interesting subject also.The first knee-jerk reaction I had to the last line of the chorus, "Die In Comfort tonight" was that there is not a single soul in the world who is going to say that. Nobody wants to die TONIGHT. Unless they have some kind of a debilitating disease and are in a great deal of pain, I can't imagine anybody actually saying that. If you could find some other word at the end of that line, it would be more believable.Here's an example you can use if you'd like. No charge."Kiss my brow and hold my hand and I will know,that I'll die in comfort when I go,"Here's the bottom line.Show me, with imagery, how "it's been a long road and a good long life" for this singer. I don't need "plenty of potholes and bridges and many a heavy load", I need to see pictures of what this guy has gone through. Specific problems that he's had, in detail. Make me identify with him.While you are at it, get yourself a rhyme pattern. In the first verse, you end three different lines with the word "me". Those need to be different words, and they need to rhyme - if that is the pattern that you wish to use. You do it again in the second verse two lines end with the word "me".This would not be acceptable in any publishing house that I have ever been in. That's just the truth.What you are actually doing is reiterating the same information the listener was told in the first verse in the second verse. The second verse needs to be completely different information. It needs to answer one of two questions: "what happens next?" or "what else happened?"The guitar solo, although extremely well played, should be taken out and replaced with a bridge. The bridge should be a 2 to 4 line musical figure different from the verse and the chorus that summarizes everything else in the song.That way, you end up with the song form verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus. That is a very good place for you to be.When one is pitching a song in Nashville, it's a good rule of thumb to remember that there are over 50,000 guitar players in town. No producer, or publisher, is going to be impressed by a guitar solo, no matter how well it's played. They have heard them all. If you are pitching the song to get someone to cover it, they are not in the least bit interested in guitar solos. It's a drag, but it's a fact.As I mentioned in my evaluation of "Friday Night Fights", the chorus needs to have a different melody than the verse. In this song it's almost a straight up repetition.If it's possible, I would even suggest that the chorus be sung an octave higher than the verse. That would take a great range, but it would be worth it. If that's not possible, then change that melody some way so that it's recognizably different from the verses. It's vital.Once again you have made a statement in the "Artists Submitted Question" area that I think would look very good in the song. There is, after all, a "Comfort, Texas". If you could bring that up in the first verse that that is where the action in this song is happening, it would be a great, great twist on the hook.This is a good idea. I haven't heard anything quite like it before. You just have to get down on these lyrics and clean them up.I believe that it is something that you are more than capable of.
Quote From Pro: These folks go for the emotional jugular in this song.