Broadjam Artist: Dave Peeler
Song: Echoes From The Past
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Tom Worth (Songwriter, Producer, Pro Songwriting Coach)
Pro General Comments: Please refer to this more than the checks above.This is a very nice song. Addresses a topic so many of us go through. Well done! That being said - I think some of the lyrics could be stronger with the goal of being more commercial (following the unwritten songwriting rules).Production, chords, melody, singer are all PERFECT. Wow great work. Is that Tim Bupert singing by chance???I have a lot of suggestions, but don't confuse that with thinking this song is way off -JUST THE OPPOSITE - it's so close and good I want to make it even better.From a songwriting standpoint - the rhyme scheme in the 2nd verse is different than the other verses (3rd line is missing internal rhyme). This is a red flag to music industry people and an easy fix so I'd address. I'd go with a rhyme scheme where lines 1, 2 and 4 rhyme, and line 3 has the internal rhyme. You can either keep or get rid of internal rhyme in line 4. I'll get into why later...Verse 1:I LOVE the first line. But I think the 2nd line needs to continue the idea of "bouncing off the moon" otherwise the bouncing off the moon comes off as a little random. I think what's missing is the idea of the echoes bouncing off the moon...and then coming back to you. You could address that in 2nd line by saying something like:Coming back to me of a life that was over much too soon (I know that's wordy - just giving you an example)I think you can beat "no matter what we do." Again ,I don't think you need this internal rhyme, so maybe say something like:And it is just so quiet here now that it's just me and youChorus:I don't think you need the 2nd to last line (Those echoes keep on coming through). It doesn't add much and makes the chorus a bit long. And moon rhymes with cool so you don't need it for rhyming. If you do indeed eliminate that line, I would alter last line to be "THESE echoes from the past bounding off the moon"As for the examples (kids 1st day of school etc), they're great, but when I think of echoes I think of sounds. Ideally I'd re-write those lines (using same rhyme sound so it will also rhyme with moon) but focus either all or in part on sounds. Sounds of kids playing etc.Verse 21st line I'd suggest "..is all we seem to do." Just sounds more accurate to me. For 3rd line I don't like saying the word "do" again (that's part of the reason I recommended at beginning this line not rhyming with lines 1,2 and 4). You could say something like:They've gone...guess we need to move onVerse 3:It's a good rule of thumb to not use the same word more than once in a section (important words that is) - and you're using the words echo and memories more than once. Ideas to fix:1st line - great2nd line - but the memories they stay in every empty room3rd line -they'll always and forever be the biggest part of you and me4th line - I'd completely re write this as you don't want to overdo the echoes/moon thingLast line - I wonder if it be more impactful to say "these" echoes from the moon?Great work on this song - I hope my suggestions will inspire you to make it even better!
Quote From Pro: A beautiful song that will hit close to home to any empty nester. Bravo.