Broadjam Artist: Charles Edmund Carter
Song: Dallas Tonight
Broadjam Pro Reviewer:
Tirk Wilder (Songwriter, Performer)
Pro General Comments: Once again, Charles, the production of your song is fantastic. All the right instruments in exactly the right places. Please congratulate whoever your production people are.This is some of your best work. I like your idea. It is different.Here are the suggestions I would have for changes you might consider in your lyric.Verse one: Everything looks good until you get to the last two lines, "That all her fans can sayIt seems she's singing all her songs to me".How about something like, "Every one of her fans say, she wrote her songs just for me,"?That uses a word usually POISONOUS to me. "Just". I hate that word. Most the time, it is JUST a throw away syllable. But here, it sounds like something someone would actually say.To me, that is more concise. It doesn't repeat the word "all" and doesn't have the words "It seems", which is a well-worn clich. I mean, it's a BAD one unless, you can find a completely new and fresh take on how it's being used. It also does not overuse the word "sings". It replaces it with "writes".The pre-chorus stands up. You might brainstorm something stronger than "Regardless he's with her anyway,".As far as the chorus is concerned, it's cool until you get to the last two lines, again."She'll keep singing 'til she's dead, Or the pain is gone." I would seriously consider, if I were you, dropping three words from this line. They are "she's dead or". "Dead" is a very harsh word. If you can get it out of any songs you are writing, you are better off doing it. Plus, you don't need the extra syllables. I would be stretching out the words "till the pain is gone", making them stronger.I would also mull over the possibility of changing the title to "Till The Pain Is Gone". It is much more what the song is about.The Second Verse? Once more with the last two lines."Her driver keeps on drivin' and drivin' through the night, But he never seems to drive her pain away,"? Too many "driv-"syllables. You don't want to use the word "pain" anywhere but in the last line of the chorus, do you? Dilutes its power.I wouldn't. How about "Her driver keeps the hammer down, all through the night,But he can't drive her sorrow away,"?You may use these suggestions (or not) without charge. You don't even need to name me as your cowriter. Or not.All in all, Charles Edmund Carter, you are coming along. Progressing well. Keep up the good work.
Quote From Pro: "Charles Edmund Carter can tug at your heartstrings when he wants to..."